I started this blog many months ago. But kind of felt like I did not have anything interesting to post about... I still may not have anything to post about. But right at this moment I feel I have to put my thoughts down because I cannot think of any other way to heal this pain inside.
My father recently passed away. We went through many emotions and situations prior to his passing. Let me start by saying... My father was a wonderful father, he was a wonderful husband, he was a wonderful man. he was my protector. Growing up I guess I kind of took him for granted. He was my dad, a constant presence in my life. He provided for us, took care of us. There are so many memories of him in my life. Some pleasant others not so much.
One summer we were sitting at the dinner table and my father was walking by and he reached over and took something off my plate. I was a typical teenager and reacted badly getting horrible mad at him for touching my plate. I don't believe I ever apologized for that, even though there were many opportunities to apologize I did not. I felt badly about it and figured if I did not say anything maybe he would not remember... But I remember and I was not very proud of myself for reacting this way. "Daddy, I am sorry. I love you and you were the best father ever".
This weekend I had to go school shopping for my son. School starts next week and because of the demands of my father's illness I have not had a chance to go shopping. My heart was quite heavy as I drove from store to store. There is this sadness that I don't really know how to express. But I am looking at all these other people busy with their lives driving to and fro shopping, laughing, going about their lives. I am doing the same but I have this sadness in my heart. I almost want to stand up and yell, "Stop everyone! How can you be running around living your lives. "Don't you see my sadness... Don't you realize my dad is dead!". I think about all the other people that have lost someone they loved and I was unaware going on about my business. Did they feel the same way I am feeling?
I work in the funeral industry and have counseled many people during their loss. Shared their sorrow. Was their sorrow as large as mine is? If it was...then I severely lacked the proper emotions, because this is devastating. Mothers that lost children, spouses that lost spouses, even though I felt their pain.... I was not living it.